To My Friend

Thinking of you.

WOW 1001 HITS!

Thank you people for all those hits. I love you so much. Special thanks for my cyber-stalkers who are making moi more rich and famous. LOL!

This blog was started as a joke, because a very intelligent young friend of mine told me to do so. =) She thinks I'm funny and have a story to tell.

Thank you Yasmine. xx

I also would like to thank everyone who made this blog possible: My mom for forcing me to eat my salad each and every day, my dad for his body and brains, the fat bitch Heidi for beating me up in KG1, the school teacher who taught me that looks is all that matters, my sisters for putting up with me and loving me unconditionally, my husband who is happy as long as there are clean socks, underwear and a T-shirt in the morning, and all the P.A.s that are always there for my money. Last but not least, I would like to thank my fellow Egyptians for making life a misery for each other, without you my lovely people, this blog would have meant absolute nothingness at all at night.

And Bill, how could I forget Bill? Thank you Bill (Gates) for opening the world gates.

And thank you readers around the world for your wasted precious time.

Puke.

To My Cyber-Stalker

Eat your heart out. :D

I'm an Alien, I'm a Legal Alien. I'm an Egyptian in The USA

Been to California last month. America is a weird hood!

Here's why:

1- The endless distances from any A to B resulting in
2- total dependence on automobiles for any errand you want to do- including something as simple as grocery shopping, resulting in
3- becoming totally handicapped without a car, resulting in
4- being slaves of oil (and now I finally understand why the need to control the Middle east- Sorry I'm a bit slow!!).
5- Not being able to do anything without a car made people lazy, resulting in
6- people have become fat, resulting in
7- people have become even lazier, resulting in
8- they either stay home to watch TV on the couch after a hard long day of work, or
9- go eat outside, where the competition to attract customers is based on humongous portion sizes and endless free refills, resulting in
10- morbidly obese people who are bringing the evolution to a reverse (I almost burst out in tears in a restaurant because I couldn't bear the sight of fatsos coming and going and refilling.)
11- Coming from the land of ancient shit, I missed the history and culture bits. Disney Land was boring!!!
12- The fact that there are so many designer shops in one mall. Those bastards had no mercy on me. I have spent out in one week more than I had spent in my whole life on bags and shoes and all kinds of materialistic scheisse while there are people dying in Africa.
13- People are way too friendly and both parties know they don't really care when they ask you how each other are. Wenta malak enta how I am? Like you give a damn!
14- It was too hot. And I'm an Egyptian :D
15- People work work work to reach the American dream. If you're sick, you're out!
16- The attitude and the endless paranoia at the airport.
17- The exaggerated American accent. Rrrright. Why do people insist on talking nasally?
18- People who gasp, behold and be-wonder my kids eternally and won't let go of me before knowing where I'm from and why I'm here. California di walla kafr el-balalees?!
19- The ten thousand million billion gazillion SUVs.
20- The crime rates. You won't believe it but we did have the police raiding this restaurant where we were dining because two people were about to shoot each other. You must be kidding me! I was in the US for, like 25 minutes, when it happened.

But the best thing about the US was the fact that you can make up your own number plate.

There was this lady chick witch bitch driving this hot Porsche911, with the number plate proudly stating: WAS HIS.

Aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!

Gotta love America!

To A Mouse Called Birgie Num Num

If I were a mouse
And could run around the house
There are plenty of things I'd like to do
Like run under chairs
And try to climb the stairs
And scare my 4 kids a little too

I could fit in the cracks
That lead behind the bath
And see what insects were down there
I could go high and low
Go where only mouses go
And wander around without a care

I could eat all the cheese
Without ever saying please
And watch what other people do
From my place down there
And with my agile mouse-like flair
I could scamper up, around and through

But then there's the cat
Who would think I was a rat
And I wouldn't want to get caught in her teeth
So I'd make myself small
Wrapped up in a tiny ball
And roll myself under her feet

If I were a mouse
I would never leave the house
There'd be lots of new things to do and see
But I wouldn't go outside
No, especially not at night
So I think a person's what I'll be

©2002 Gareth Lancaster

Get a life Mousy. :D

The Phone Book

What's with the Egyptians and phone manners? People call you at any time- day or night-and expect you to be ready to talk for hours over nothing! And nowadays they give you "a ring" on your mobile so you would call back, considering that you're the rich one who can afford it (!); use the phone to bug the hell out of girls (but hopefully the Internet addiction made this one less severe); and use the mobile phone cameras for all kind of indecent purposes, etc..

Why are we so evil??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And why do people sound so rude on the phone?

I could simply kill someone with my bare hands who keeps saying: "Aiwa Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?"

This is an average conversation with an average dumbass:

Phone rings, pick up:

- "Aluuuuuu, aluuu, aluuu, aluuu, aluuu, AaaaaaalU!!"

(of course you're trying to talk but you can never be heard amidst the chaos of Aluus!)

- "Yes this is (I say my name), is this so and so's house?"

- "Aiwa meen.. Aluuu!!"

- (As I said before!): "This is Fulana 'l-Ful.."

- "EAH?" (Whaaa?)

- "This is Ful.."

- "Aaaalu!"

- "AHllo!" *sigh and* "May I please talk to Mr. So and So?"

- "Aiwa, a2olloo meen?" (Yes, who can I tell him it is?)

- "This is FULANA EL-*Friggin'* Fulani".

- "Aiwa meen 7adretek ya3ny?" (Yes but who are you anyway?)

*Totally pissed off*- "I AM DOQTOOOORAH Fulana 'l-Fulani , GIVE ME SO AND SO RIGHT NOW!"

*Totally humble mumble*- "7ADER, one second."

T(eHHHH)wenty minutes later, during which there was a cat-fight with the kids heard on the other side to not to hang up the phone..

So and So takes the phone:

- "Aluuuuuu."

_ "Hello, this is F..."

- "Aluuu, aluuu, aluuu, aluuu, AaaaaaalUUU!!"

- *Tears*

!!

Driving in Cairo for Mommies

My husband says that he thinks I'm one of the best drivers ever because I managed to get him alive out of Cairo.

I drive in Cairo without problems. You just need to know the unwritten rules.

Let me brainstorm some for you:

1- There's no such thing as road signs. I mean there *are* road signs, but they are so dusty and muddy that you can't decipher them, besides, why should you when everyone else doesn't even know they exist, let alone read them and follow them.

2- There's no such thing as giving or having priority. Priority is for the fastest, biggest, or most aggressive. So in order to be always on the safe side, ALWAYS give priority, but watch the idiot behind you as you do.

3- If you keep a 2-second distance between you and the car ahead of you, the space will be immediately taken by someone who swiftly overtakes you, so better keep a distance that won't allow another car to fit in-between. Do however, expect the car in front of you to stop for absolutely no reason and at any time or place. So always be ready to step on the brakes with your maximum force.

4- People don't stick to the lanes (there are no lanes anyway), so the best way to drive is to imagine a lane in the middle and drive in it. Since the cars in the right lanes will suddenly park without giving signals, and those on the left side will suddenly take U-turns without giving signals. Signals mostly don't work anyway.

5- Beware of 4 types of vehicles/drivers: 1-Micro-buses and the minors driving them, since they are mostly drugged, 2- Taxis; they stop suddenly anywhere in the street at the view of someone waving, 3- Big red buses, their drivers don't see anything because the buses are so jammed with people that they move based on their view ahead of them only, and 4- Women; unfortunately, since they are treated so badly on the road by the male dickheads, they haven't got enough self-confidence and often screw up due to having to drive under the influence of too much stress hormones.

If you see a vehicle with one of the above descriptions approaching, keep your distance, or even better, run for your life.

6- If you want to turn or change lanes, giving a signal is NOT the way to go, you have to stick your left arm out at half an arm to a whole arm-length for turning left, and you might need to wave with it 180 degrees up and down to be noticed. Having a white arm will make things a bit more complicated since people will start honking and following you around, and may even try to block your way for some attention. If you want to change to the right lane or turn right, you better have an assistant sitting on your right side to do the arm signal for you. If you don't, you have to stick your left arm with a bent elbow on top of the car and point with one finger to the right, or wave frantically with your right arm inside the car high enough to be seen by those behind you.

7- People coming out form the side streets do not look your direction as you approach them. It's a trick so you would be careful and stop so they can just pass through.

8- People swear and give obscene signs. But if you use the "sorry/thank you" hand sign, it does miracles to their attitude.

9- Keep an eye on the asphalt. It often has titanic holes in which you and your car can disappear without a trace. You can even fall through a bridge in the Nile if you're not careful. Keep away from potential holes. And they will ALWAY be there. So make a mind map for those holes in your daily routes.

10- Guys will always honk for you. TOTALLY ignore them. If you look at them they will either tell you: "hey, you have a flat tire" (for example), and as you stop to check the car they will be laughing at you, or will follow you and stick like glue.


11- Avoid rush hours. Rush hours are from 8:30 am to 2:30 am. So you have from 2:30 am to 8:30 am to drive safely.

12- Pedestrians cross from any direction any time they want. So don't think they will mind them approaching maximum speed. They only think of one thing: Catching that bus they are fixated at.

13- Keep your window up and your doors locked as often as possible. Do not put your bag on the seat next to you or on the back seat. The traffic lights are the best place for those who open the door and pick the bag and run.

14- You gotta have AC in the car. Going hot and sweaty makes you more volatile and stressed out.

15- Have a bottle of water in the car for the radiator. And always add water on regular basis as soon as you start your car.

16- Buy wheels only at a certified dealer, even if they are 10 times more expensive than elsewhere.

17- One way streets are often used in the opposite direction, so don't get angry at those who drive the wrong way. It's a waste of collagen if you did. Just wait for them to pass and think of the sea and the singing birds and some soft music.

18- Don't panic when people honk like there's no tomorrow, it's a tick.

19- If you stop to let someone cross the road, people behind you will get angry and honk. Ignore them if you can.

20- People don't stop for red lights. If you do, people behind you will start shouting at you and wonder why you're not moving. This is a tricky one. You need to learn to go with the flow, and this takes time and lots of observation to be able to master.

21- If you have an appointment, reserve 30 minutes for finding a parking space, 30 minutes for losing the way, and an hour for traffic jams.

22- Wear sunglasses and suncream.

23- Have a garbage can, food, water, tissues, disinfectant gel, an extra pair of comfy shoes always with you in the car.

24- Always have a mobile phone with you. If something goes wrong, I call a mechanic who knows me personally to come and save me.

25- Try to relax but be 1000% aware of what's happening around you. Males will try to intimidate you or insult you for being a "stupid woman". Don't let them get on your nerves or put you down. They are dumber than sin and of course do not realize it. Consider them mental patients.

26- Learn the codes of honking, giving light signs, and hand signs. All need a long explanation but I'm a bit tired now..


..

What else?!